HEALY HALL – University officials released a statement this week admitting that fire drills are really just the school’s effort to get students to take a break from studying and “go outside for once in their goddamn lives.”

The University’s cover-up included bringing firefighters to the scene.

“We admire all the hard work that our students do, but Jesus Christ some of these nerds look like the only exposure to sunlight they ever get is on the way to class,” one official commented.

The University admitted to “just trying to these dorks some fresh air while the weather is nice” after a series of half dozen fire drills in library over the past two months raised speculation of ulterior motives.

Many students expressed bewilderment upon hearing the news.

“I mean never went outside during fire drills anyway,” said Pre-Med Sophomore Anna Huntsmith (COL ‘17). “Wouldn’t want to interrupt my rhythm.”

When reached for comment, the head librarian reported, “sometimes we just think about calling the kids out on it and telling them to get a life, but we decided that would just make their lives even more sad than they already are. I mean, a librarian telling you to get a life? That’s got to be rock bottom.”