HARIRI — Senior Garrett Carter (COL ’15), who recently accepted a federal lobbying position from the Exxon Mobil Corporation, told reporters he is “ready and excited to get out there and be a part of the problem.”

Carter, a government major, said he was acutely aware of the large influence that multi-national corporations have on the Hill while he was sending out applications.

“By senior year, it became clear to me that both parties are bought out and entirely unresponsive to voters, which is kinda sad” said Carter, who has never  voted in his life.  “But it also sounds like I can make a shit load of money from it.”

Lori Schneider of the Cawley Career Center commented that Carter had the skills needed to succeed as lobbyist.

“Carter is a tremendous asshole,” said Schneider.  “One time I saw him intentionally step on a wounded baby bird that fell from a tree. He’ll be perfect there.”

Carter’s parents expressed their pride after learning of their son’s new position with the oil behemoth.

“Ever since he was in pre-K, we could tell he would be doing something important,” said Carter’s mother, Jessica.  “He was just the cutest.  He would always take a dollar or two from my purse and give it to the teacher so he could spend more time at recess.”

Despite a 9% national approval rating of Congress, Carter remains optimistic that the country still isn’t broken enough for him to “still get in there and do some damage.”

Said Carter, “It’s a nice signing bonus and all, but sometimes I wonder: am I somehow making life harder for people?  I hope so.”