REISS – Pre-med sophomores around campus are rejoicing this afternoon after it was revealed that Organic Chemistry professor, Professor Gary Shaw, answered just 55% of the questions correctly on his own midterm exam.

“That test was a total bitch,” remarked Shaw. “I’m going to be honest, I haven’t taken one of those myself in at least 15 years.”

Professor Shaw reportedly took the test in an attempt to discredit certain groups of students who claimed that Organic Chemistry was “ruining their lives.”

Professor Shaw’s study group was “completely useless” in helping him pass the exam.

These students reportedly asked Professor Shaw to take the exam after already having sacrificed their social lives and extra-curriculars to the pre-med track and being “straight-up out of other options to pass the class.”

Further interviews with Professor Shaw’s wife and children make it clear that the low score was not due to a lack of effort.

“I haven’t seen my husband in 4 weeks,” explained Mrs. Marie Shaw. “We live in Foxhall, but he said he couldn’t afford time to commute.”

Professor Shaw has not left campus in the last 30 days, choosing instead to remain sequestered in the Blommer Science Library in between teaching classes.

“Dad said he would be at my soccer game last weekend,” said Professor Shaw’s 12-year-old daughter, Isabel. “He called 2 hours after it ended, saying he got too caught up in his alkenes and alkynes. He also didn’t remember my name.”

A colleague of Shaw’s suspects that his brain actually removed the names of his children, in order to memorize another set of nucleophiles.

Shaw claims to have learned from the experience and the sub-par results.

“There are going to be some serious changes for the next midterm,” announced Shaw. “Most importantly, I will not be taking another test.”