REISS 284 – Tensions within a section of MATH 035 reached an all-time high when perpetually underprepared Brad Jones (COL’ 18) asked classmate Sarah Witham (MSB ’18) if he could borrow a pencil for a record 50th time this semester.

“Are you kidding me? This is calculus. How do you come to class without a goddamn pencil?” Witham commented,  vocalizing her immense disdain towards Brad’s behavior. “If he pulls this shit again, I’m going to lose it.”

“He never even gives them back,” said Witham.

“Does this kid see me as a fucking pencil factory? I can’t just pull them out of my ass you know.”

Some members of the class had concern about the heightening conflict between the two freshmen.

“There was one time he asked to borrow a pencil, and Sarah begrudgingly obliged, but when she gave it to him, he made some comment about how he would prefer a ‘mechanical pencil.’ We all thought Sarah was going to kill him, and the entire room was on edge. The kid’s got balls, if anything,” said Olivia Miller (COL ’18).

A source told the Georgetown Heckler reported that Jones was last seen asking to borrow some money from a friend, although those same sources report that there is “no chance in hell” that money will be used to buy pencils.