“This classroom isn’t recession proof.”

HARIRI – Last Tuesday, Professor Henry Poltz announced to his class of to-be management executives it was in the department’s best interest that the lower ranking students be let go.

“Due to recent cuts in funding and necessary raises in professor salaries, we have decided to lay off less qualified students. We feel this both enhances the quality of our product and moves the image of the company in the right direction,” said Poltz to a classroom of MSB seniors who were planning to make the same speech in twenty years.

Poltz is supposedly receiving another bonus this year, along with the other professors in the management department. He claimed it was needed to fund the lifestyle a high-ranking executive business professor deserves.

Meanwhile, the MSB student body has grown out of control as they clamor to not be dismissed. Witnesses say they saw Poltz laughing and handing out extra credit passes as desperate students fought each other off like hungry dogs to a porterhouse steak.

“Business is competitive, and we as professors feel that the business school doesn’t have the same competitive attitude. With this new policy, students will authentically understand what it is like out there, and why my fellow coworkers and I have given up on our dreams and run away to the safety of academia,” commented Professor Amanda Sarioti.

GUPD has managed to curb the chaos by reassuring business students that they “totally will have a fortune 500 company someday, and will definitely not end up as a mid-ranking manager at Target.”

Interested in writing for the Heckler? Apply here!