I wonder if Boko Haram has a leader on its team like Aaron Rodgers. Probably not, that guy is one in a million.

LAGOS, NIGERIA — In what Amnesty International has described as the “deadliest massacre” in the history of Boko Haram, an estimated 2000 civilians were slaugh- wait, is it Sunday?  Yo, flip the TV to Channel 10, I think that Pats-Seahawks game on today.  You see Marshawn Lynch’s monster touchdown last week?  That dude’s a beast.   What was I talking about again? Oh, Boko Haram!  They’re also monsters and beasts, but not like Marshawn Lynch.  He’s a beast monster because he’s cool; Boko Haram is a beast monster because they slaughtered 2,000 innocent Ethiopians.  Or was it Niger?  I’m pretty sure it was one of those.

Anyway, the insurgents invaded on Wednesday, January 7, razing homes and scattering bodies in the street.  A spokesman for Boko Harma made a statement late TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOWN!  Holy shit, did you see that?!  Jonas Gray just came outta nowhere and got past all of them!  Hold on, they’re gonna do a recap.  The Seahawks are getting slaughtered.  Why does that ring a bell?  Hm… ooooh, because Boko Haram killed a bunch of people.  Do you think they have football in Niger?  I mean, they probably call soccer “football” there like in England, but do you think they have this kind of football?  Yeah, probably not.  Poor little guys.

Sorry, sorry, I keep getting off track.  Let me try this again.  Boko Haram spokesman- Jesus Christ, can this ESPN announcer shut the fuck up for once?  He usually does baseball coverage, but they have him on sometimes when the regulars are out and it’s obvious that he doesn’t really care about football.  He blabbers on about this and that but there’s no passion.  He only talks about it because he has to.  Also his voice sounds like if you set Stephen Hawking’s talking computer to the “Steve Buscemi” setting.  Why couldn’t Boko Haram have gotten this guy?  Oh, and I know I said before that it was in Niger, but it might have been France.  The world’s so big.

Boko GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO god DAMN it.  Thought he was gonna get through there.  Almost time for the halftime show.  What was I talking about before?  Yeah, me neither.  Have you heard that new Ariana Grande song?  She’s gonna play it at halftime I heard.  Grab me another beer while you’re up?  Cool, thanks.