HILTON GARDEN INN CHAPEL- In an unprecedented move said to undermine “that bitch Linda” and her attempts at peacefully negotiating holy matrimony, an inebriated Speaker of the House John Boehner invited himself Saturday to speak at the wedding of his ex-girlfriend Linda Schwartz.  “Yeah, I gotta little ‘objection,’ Mr. Priest.  Linda, Linda is a liar and she’ll break this asshole’s heart just like she broke mine.  The only good thing you’ve ever done is this open bar, Linda!  You hear me?” slurred Boehner as he erratically slammed his gavel-shaped flask on a pew to silence the groom’s objections.  “Wanna know why I am became Speaker, bec- why I became Speaker?  I wanted to make laws that would fuck you over, Linda.  Ever wonder why you get audited every year?  Bet you like that.  Good luck filing your marriage certificate.”  Following the speech, the recently renamed Linda Byron Administration released a statement announcing its intention to impose sanctions that ban family and friends from inviting Boehner to social gatherings.