A leaked Abbey and Will campaign document.
VILLAGE A – As campaign season kicks off around campus, GUSA political strategists are hard at work, crunching the numbers on which key demographic will turn the tide in favor of their candidate. Some campaigns are headed to Yates, in an attempt to corner the athlete vote, while others focus on yet-to-be-disillusioned freshman demographic. Will Simons (COL ’16) of the Abbey and Will campaign, on the other hand, has set an election day goal of claiming the votes a majority his own Village A apartment.
“I think too many GUSA candidates get caught up in the glitz and the glamour of a school-wide campaign,” explained Simons. “I’m a roommate first and a GUSA candidate second. I want all of my roommates to remember that I will always keep their priorities in mind.”
As noted in Simons’s platform, he promises to “always do my own dishes” and “not jerk-off in the shower”.
Simons has been hosting informal campaign chats while other roommates are brushing their teeth and has placed campaign posters on the rooftop balcony.
Kurt McIntyre (SFS ’17), a senior strategist for the Abbey and Will’s campaign, took confidence from recent polling data.
“The numbers coming out of H205 have been trending very positively lately. Right now we’re trying to focus on one key demographic, namely Jimmy’s direct roommate, Kevin.”
Kevin could not be reached for comment, but was seen working on a poster for the Chris and Meredith’s campaign under the covers.
