SELLINGER LOUNGE – Violent clashes erupted throughout campus last night as ROTC cadets stormed Healy Hall and the Georgetown University Student Association offices in Sellinger in an apparent coup of the student government. Students studying in UG witnessed the ROTC cadets parading through Sellinger, brandishing blue plastic rifles and ordering students to drop their coffees and crouch under the study tables.
“We have come to put an end to the injustice and corruption that GUSA has brought upon the student body,” announced Cadet Marcus Briarwood (SFS ’15), the self-declared ring leader of the ROTC revolt, over WGTB radio shortly after the raid. “No longer will we tolerate an administration spoiled by power-hungry congressional interns who fail to see that their ineptitude is gutting the Hilltop from within. The ineffective institution of GUSA has failed to protect Georgetown from the growing presence of international students and – even worse – transfers. Under the guidance of ROTC, security is the number one priority, which why I am calling for the immediate dissolution of GUSA and trial of its members for high treason against the University. In its place, I am honored to announce the creation of the Department of Hilltop Security, which will monitor the every aspect of the Hilltop and eliminate any and all potential threats.”
The cadets apprehended GUSA President Trevor Tezel (SFS ’15) and Election Commissioner Alden Fletcher (SFS ’17), who at the time were leading a heated meeting with several GUSA senators about the 2015 GUSA Executive election campaign, already plagued by allegations of corruption, foul play, and overall obnoxiousness. The cadets then locked Tezel and Fletcher in a makeshift prison in a Lauinger Library study room though there is speculation that Tezel and Fletcher will be relocated to Yates Field House for “reeducation through physical labor.”
The Heckler has confirmed that Vice President Omika Jikaria (SFS ’15) was tipped off mere hours before the violence erupted and escaped on the last GUTS bus to the Georgetown Law Center. ROTC has since shut down operation of the busses to prevent any further refugees from fleeing the Hilltop.
Vice President Jikaria has issued a statement on the “Vote for Trevor and Omika 2014” Facebook page saying that she “is still the legitimate GUSA Executive” and added that the “government-in-exile is committed to upholding the principles of democracy and free and fair elections no matter how inane they may seem.” The Hoya Battalion Facebook page has declared that Jikaria must either “immediately relocate to SFS Qatar” or “face forced extradition from the Law Center at the risk of herself and the miserable students that attend Georgetown Law School.”
Vice President Jikaria has yet to respond to ROTC’s statement, but anonymous sources have told the Heckler that her “government-in-exile” is gathering a resistance movement that is funneling desperately needed water, clothing, and Wisey’s sandwiches through the tunnels running under campus.
In the meantime, the GUSA Election has been unilaterally suspended. Instead, Cadet Briarwood has announced that he “will be appointing a temporary Student Body President until violence settles down. Only when Georgetown is ready for elections will we move forward with implementing a new system.” The Department of Hilltop Security has initiated roving Jesuit golfcart patrols through campus in addition to a new 9:00pm curfew.
The Heckler expects that tomorrow evening Cadet Briarwood will be declared “President for Life” in a lavish ceremony in Gaston.