The Last Straw: Why I have Officially Given Up on the Tasteless, Depraved Hollywood Machine
50 Shades of Grey is a disgrace to the Twilight Saga and everything it stands for. It is an outright injustice that this movie was made when far superior fan fiction exists, written by fans like myself who actually care about the nuances of Stephanie Meyer’s vision and actually feature freaking VAMPIRES.
I consider myself a level-headed man, but I almost quit Philodemic when I heard some of the totally ignorant bullshit the girls were saying about how 50 Shades was “hot.”
It isn’t hot, okay? Loveless, disparaging fuck scenes that bare little resemblance to Twilight are not hot. Do you know what’s hot? Finally having honeymoon sex with the love of your life after four movies of just trembling in each other’s arms. The love Edward and Bella share is so REAL, while Christian and Anna merely share repugnant, dime-a-dozen lust.
People think that because I’m “in DPE” and “an IPEC major” that I don’t care about our nation’s popular culture. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. It sickens me to see Hollywood so disrespect the art of creating additional storylines in order to supplement the already rich and bountiful world of Stephanie Meyers’ mind.
My friends are all: “that movie doesn’t even relate to the Coup in Honduras,” and, “what does the fact that ‘Anastasia Steele is a slut’ have to do with Napoleon?”
And yeah, maybe I have been a little bit distant from my normal duties at SAO. But maybe the Student Code of Conduct just reminds me too damn much of the disgusting sex contract that E.L. James dares to associate with the marble-white purity that is Edward Cullen’s morality.
I recently wrote a short piece that told the story of New Moon from the perspective of Bella’s truck. It was short because only about three scenes of the book take place in the truck, but in a way, the brevity is what made it so intriguing. The truck was left wondering, “why is Bella so upset” and “where did Edward go?” without any of the definitive answers offered by the novel. It was extremely suspenseful and, according to several Live Journalers, positively Edgar Allen Poe-ian.
Obviously I plan to be employed after I graduate, so creative writing isn’t my forte. Still, I figured it would be acceptable for me to send my story to one of the English professors for some constructive criticism. He offered no notes other than to “stop being such a fruitcake.”
I told my father (who is on the board of trustees) to have the insolent professor admonished, but when he found out the reason for my upset, he said that he was “profoundly ashamed” and that he “no longer had a son.”
I found the whole experience rather disappointing.
Not as disappointing, however, as the horrible scene where Christian Grey whips a naked and bound Anastasia Skank—sorry—Steele with a riding crop. Now compare that scene with one that I wrote, where Bella sits in her truck and listens to a mixtape. Which, I wonder, of those two scenarios better represents the underlying theme of abstinence which is the lifeblood of the entire Twilight Saga?!?? HM? HMMM??? RIDDLE ME THIS, E.L. JAMES!!!!!
Riddle me this.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” is rated R for totally perverted sexual content that would no doubt repulse the very characters upon whom the story is modeled.