KAZAKHSTAN – Sophomore Jeremy Wills (COL ’17) has transferred to a small encampment in the Kazakh Steppe in order to maintain his ‘one-upping’ habit, through one of Georgetown’s many study abroad programs. After trying to outdo everyone in the greater DC Metropolitan area, Wills reportedly will now try to show the native Kazakh people ‘how it is done’.
Wills’ decision to relocate is allegedly from having exhausted people to ‘one-up’ in the area. According to a variety of sources, Wills was seen desperately stumbling around campus attempting to find people he had not yet put down or been condescending to. The ordeal only stopped once someone pulled him away from the John Carroll statue as he was proclaiming that he had started three Jesuit universities already.
Before leaving, Wills was seen talking about how the harsh conditions of Central Asia, where summers can reach 104°F and winters drop down to -40°F, are “just like back at home” and “nowhere near as bad” as a summer camp he attended in the 8th grade.
“He [Wills] keeps trying to show us, a proud people who have mastered life here, how to ‘properly shoot an arrow’. He hasn’t hit one deer and keeps blaming it on the bow being faulty,” Bakhtiyar Nabiyev, a member of Wills’ new home, told the Heckler.
One acquaintance of Wills’, Heather Friedman (SFS ’17), about Wills’ worrying habit.
“He’s always tried to outdo everyone. Freshman year he told me how had literally been eaten by a tiger after I showed him where my cat scratched me. We’ve known he has a problem, but we never thought it would come to this,” commented Friedman.
Wills has targeted every group on campus over the course of the last year and a half, including H*yas for Choice, to whom he explained that he had already protested for abortion, LGBTQ affairs, voting rights for infants, and uni-species bathrooms, and the Jesuits, to whom he explained what the meaning of Christ is.
Newest reports have Wills correcting the nomadic people on their choice of settlement, and boasting that his ancestors had in fact conquered the whole of Asia three times over.