I STREET NW—Citing its success in helping young students across the District of Columbia, Georgetown DC Reads proudly announced it will now be offering tutoring in a new Foggy Bottom location.

The new location is a direct response to the startlingly low levels of literacy that recent studies have discovered in students residing the area between 20th and 24th St NW. Leaders within DC Reads have reported this will be the program’s largest undertaking to date.

“It’s our duty as concerned members of the D.C. community to help these students, who are reading so far below the elementary school level,” said sophomore Charlie Henderson (NHS ’17). “They really need us.”

The first week of tutoring was reportedly unsuccessful, with many of the “tutees” proving not only to be years behind in vocabulary skills but also generally confused by the concept of books.

“I was concerned at first that this location’s kids looked a lot bigger and older than the other elementary schools,” added Senior Jennifer Jackson (Col ’15).  “But given Timmy’s struggles with The Very Hungry Caterpillar, there’s no way he has beyond a second grade education.”

At press time, Timmy, 21 years of age, had placed a copy of Goodnight, Moon on his head like a hat and appeared to be visibly drooling.