GEORGETOWN—A combination of increased campus construction and freezing winter temperatures have resulted in the fracturing of many on-campus walkways and sidewalks in the Georgetown neighborhood. “The omnipresent pavement cracks has been devastating for student’s mothers, and thousands have been hospitalized for their shattered vertebrae,” said GUPD Chief Jay Gruber. The sons and daughters of the victims claim that there is nothing they can do to change their careless ambulatory practices.  Said one student, “I must have just shattered, like, 70 vertebrae running to a class I was late for.” Reports estimate that almost every Georgetown mother has been hospitalized.  Excluding, of course, yo mama, who’s so fat that you’d have to step on the Grand Canyon to take her down.