BALTIMORE—An atom that has existed since the beginning of the universe was stunned and devastated to learn that it will spend the rest of its being as part of a plastic molecule inside a big pink dildo. “It’s hard to believe that I began my existence by witnessing the beginning of everything in the Big Bang, and now I will spend the rest of time pleasuring people deep within their sticky orifices,” said the atom. Sources claim that everything had been leading up to this moment from the beginning of human civilization. “If this was the supposed plan for me all along, I don’t know if I can believe in a God anymore,” said the atom, adding, “But at least I’m not anal beads.”