HEALY- Scientists warned Wednesday morning that an increasingly heated home life will result in the complete elimination of Georgetown President John DeGioia’s hair by 2025. “If current trends continue, we are looking at full baldness in 10 years. That would be an aesthetic catastrophe, the effects of which may be irreversible,” said notable hair scientist Ronald McElroy.
In recent years, a definitive consensus of hair scientists has warned the university president on the dire situation around the circumference of his head. This is the latest in a series of predictions that warn about eventual hair loss, a potentially devastating event for DeGioia’s already unstable masculinity.
“From all the evidence we have gathered – root cores, sweat samples, gentle caresses on the back of the neck – indicates rising hair loss, driven by a home life that has been exponentially increasing in pressure since the President’s 20th wedding anniversary,” said McElroy.
President DeGioia failed to capitalize on a monumental opportunity to reduce passive aggressive emissions from his wife after failing to remember to buy a Valentine’s Day present. A $4 box of chocolates and a hastily purchased picture frame were ineffective in reversing trends.
“Without a serious reversal in his domestic affairs, which might include attending a couple more softball games and maybe taking out his wife at least once a month, we will have an environmental disaster on our heads, or in his case, head,” said hair psychologist Dean Jakovsky.
Some radical activists have called for DeGioia to skip any attempts at salvaging any remaining hair and shaving it all off now, giving him time to perfect the risky Mr .Clean look.