HARBIN – In his most recent semi-weekly call home, Joel Keating (C’19) reassured his mother that he has yet to miss a class and has gone to Mass every Sunday so far. Mrs. Keating was worried that her boy, so far away from their Minnesota home, might try beer before he turns 21.

“You don’t have to fret, Mrs. Keating. Your son knows that alcohol is dangerous, and when he turns 21, he’ll only drink in moderation,” said a responsible, trustworthy student that Joel made the good choice of befriending during orientation.

“I’m always glad to hear my little Joel is staying out of trouble,” Mrs. Keating remarked, “he’s a good kid.”

Joel’s RA and professors have all separately corroborated that Joel is in fact a good kid. Just because he might forget to call you every now and then, it’s because he’s busy doing community service throughout Washington, and not because he is on pot.

“I was in college once, I know there’s a lot of distractions that exist on a college campus,” Mrs. Keating continued.

According to several student eyewitnesses, Joel did not spend last Tuesday night doing a keg stand before throwing up outside of his dorm. He did not blackout and punch his dorm room wall. Rather, he stayed in for a quiet night of textbook reading, socializing in his common room, and making his study calendar for the coming months.

At press time, it was discovered that the midterm report you got was fake and he actually aced that Chemistry test. Have a great day, Mrs. Keating!