BUDAPEST – Syrian refugee Hamid Ashram issued a statement this evening from a temporary holding camp that all he desired was a home to settle down in and establish himself and from which to complain about some future tide of migrants ruining the country. “I come in search of peace and a second chance for myself and my family in the face of senseless violence. I am only looking for a home. Preferably one with a porch where I can bitch about all the no-good immigrants coming in and stealing all the good jobs,” he said.
Ashram said that although he has personally faced discrimination on his long and difficult journey to safety, he has found the strength to persist in his unyielding hope – for the opportunity to some day live freely, work, and discriminate against other migrants.
“I want to share in all the great traditions of my new adopted home. I want to take my kids to the park and listen to them laugh as I push them on the swings. I want to talk with other dads at that park about how newer immigrants are ruining the neighborhood, but I want to use a horrifying racial slur when I do it,” said Ashram.
This vision took form by the nature of his arduous journey itself.
“When I was crammed into the cargo hold of a tiny fishing boat with 40 other desperate Syrian civilians just trying to survive one more night amid 20-foot high waves, what kept me going was my dream of a better life, of a country that accepted me for who I was, and which allowed me to blame far more miniscule problems in the future on people who are in my situation now.”
Locals were inspired by Ashram’s brave and daring story, with many reporting that it caused them to reflect on the privileges they enjoy as residents of 1st world nations.
“It’s just so beautiful that he had to chance to come here and find a new life and really stick it to those nasty immigrants, it really makes me think about how lucky I am that my ancestors did the same, so that I can be that nasty every day,” said resident Vlad Kopecs.
Ashram stated that whatever country he ends up, he plans on being sure that its best days are far behind it.
At press time, Ashram had built a shack of out of pieces of driftwood and whatever pieces of scrap he could find to house his family. Then he built a fence around it to “keep out any ungrateful immigrants taking my ancestral land.”
