HEALY HALL – After months of discussions between the two sides, representatives for the Bipartisan Anti-Hair Legion of DeGioia (BALD) have officially announced that negotiations to salvage university president John DeGoia’s hairline will be suspended indefinitely. “We’ve been locked in discussions with The Hair Is Not A Neglected Issue Now, DeGoia (THINNING) to reach an agreeable ‘middle ground’ between completely hairless and some comb-over solution – think ‘Younger John McCain’ – but the thinning advocates across the table still have irrationally optimistic hopes for a Bono-esque buzz cut to pull us out of this crisis,” said BALD spokesperson Grant Capello, sporting a Kangol cap and goatee. Said THINNING representatives in response, “[We] were optimistic going into the talks. We felt that we could persuade the hair to stop receding, and maintain some semblance of thickness for the coming decade. He is not tall enough – 6’2″, at minimum – to go fully bald. Anyone knows that.” At press time, it was rumored that BALD may concede raising the hair follicle per square millimeter from 0 to 2 at least temporarily to accommodate the president’s annual self-portrait.