RALEIGH, NC — Upon returning home Wednesday for the first time in four months, freshman Jake Labour (COL ’19) was promptly reminded by relatives he had not seen in years that he was just a scrawny, weak little pussy the last time everyone saw him.  “It’s so nice to see him not sucking his thumb or shitting in his pants. It looks like he he finally figured out that no one gets anywhere in this world without a goddamn spine,” said Jake’s Great Aunt Kathy, who had last seen her great nephew at his second birthday party held at a Chuck E. Cheese, where he cried after becoming stuck in a ball pit.  Continued Aunt Kathy, “I just can’t believe that delicate little pants-shitter actually has a job and a girlfriend now. It just goes to show that anyone can  do well for themselves if they whine a little bit less and start having even a modicum of respect for themselves.” At press time, sources reported a brown stain forming in Jake’s pants as he yelled “More like Not-So-Great Aunt Kathy,”  the best comeback the lanky, now 19-year-old bitch could muster.