VILLAGE B—After seeing his friend grab a Trojan condom before leaving to meet his girlfriend, third wheel Kevin Lannigan (Col ’17) began to wonder if he too should bring a condom.  “My buddy told me tonight was going to be crazy. Not 100% sure what that means, but hey. Simons says bring a condom, I bring a condom. It’s that simple,” explained the plus one, unsure if he was correctly picking up on whatever vibes his friend was sending out.

Lannigan explained that bringing a condom could be useful even if his thoughts of a ménage à trois did not come into fruition.

“I thought, at the very least – you know if things didn’t take a turn for the freaky – I’d be his back-up condom-holder.  You know like when someone asks for a piece of gum. That’s why I always have gum.”

Later that night, the situation became clearer when Lannigan found himself alone with Johnson and Fischer in a darkly lit bedroom.

 “At first, I was pretty sure they forgot I was in the room.  I would have left, but I didn’t want be rude and I didn’t know anybody else at the party anyway.”  After scrolling through old emails for 10 minutes while Johnson and Fish were deep in the throes of intimacy, Lannigan was alerted to his friend sticking his hand out in Lannigan’s direction.  “I think he wanted me to tag-in.  He knows I hate wrestling and sex-related activities.  I felt very used in that moment.”

At press time, Lannigan was asking if it would be cool if he brought Fischer back to meet his parents over Christmas break, too.