HARBIN – At a packed ceremony in the basement of Harbin Hall, Planning and Facilities Management employees reveled in the glory of setting a new record for days since completing a student work order. Robin A. Morey, Vice President for Planning and Facilities Management, addressed throngs of workers, applauding their diligent efforts to ignore the living conditions of “namby-pamby” students across campus. “Oh, I’m sorry, wittle baby,” Morey said, mimicking a student . “Did you want to live in a mold free room with working toilets and unclogged sinks? Get a grip.”
Workers in attendance were thrilled at the news. The 547 day record was set in 2005, accidentally and famously broken by an absent minded maintenance worker who replaced an air conditioning filter.
“When I started this job, I was worried,” facilities administrator Mike Erikson reminisced, “I thought I might actually be putting my skills to good use. I barely have enough time to delete online work requests between staring at the clock and federally mandated lunch breaks.”
Without question, middle management within the Facilities office deserves the most credit for the horrifyingly slow work order process.
Senior Project Manager Janice Schultz explained exactly how her department perfected the inefficiency of an unaccountable and opaque bureaucracy to get her team past the 548 day mark. “Our success comes not only from our willful ignorance,” she beamed, “but also our standard of requiring 20 managers to approve of a work order request before they intentionally forget it.”
“No matter how small,” she continued, “we’ll be sure it remains ‘in progress’ until long after you move to another on-campus shithole.”
Vice President Morey is hopeful that this standard of ineptitude will last for years to come. “We have a long ways to go before Georgetown’s infrastructure collapses into its own shadow and a new vision for our nation – excuse me, campus – rises from its ashes,” he muttered.
At press time, sources reported the holiday party ending early when the ceiling partially collapsed onto the food table.