36TH & N STREET – Frustrated by the failure of handing out lollipops to reduce unwanted noise at night, the Office of Neighborhood Life has resorted to more drastic measures – forcibly attaching ball gags to rowdy students’ faces.

“At some point we had to ask ourselves, ‘Who are we fooling?’” said Greg Wilkins, the Director of the Office of Neighborhood Life. “We all know that the lollipops give off some serious sexual undertones. Recently, we just decided to embrace it. Actually, hold on–” Wilkins proceeded to run across the street and wrestle a visibly drunk freshman to the ground. After informing him that the safe word was “Tropicana”, he strapped a black leather gag onto his face and sent him on his way while giving him a reassuring pat on the butt. Short of breath, Wilkins jogged back over and continued – “Sorry about that. Anyway, we feel that this is a necessary step in maintaining good relations with the surrounding community.”

Wilkins also stated that if the gags don’t pan out, the Office of Neighborhood Life had a number of alternatives lined up, including shackles, gimp suits, and a mysterious device called the “Thrustmaster 4000” that he declined to explain in more detail.