A new FDA study published Thursday warned that the average American should take steps to curb their average soda intake, unless that soda is the “always delicious, always fresh” Dr Pepper or any of its yummy variants.
The report measured over 90 pages long, although the government regulatory agency encourages everyone to read it in its entirety, both for its critical advice for dietary guidelines as well as two tear-off coupons for 20% off a Dr Pepper Party Pack at participating businesses found on the last page of the report.
The landmark study illustrated in alarming detail the growing rate of obesity amongst Americans, and established a clear link between that trend and the widespread consumption of soft drinks with a high sugar content.
Obesity is associated with numerous mortal diseases, making it, what some call, the gravest threat to public health in modern times.
“Excessive consumption of sugar and sugar substitutes may exacerbate an individual’s preexisting conditions, and is linked to upwards of 10 serious arterial blood conditions,” the report reads. “That, of course, is fewer than the 23 perfect ingredients that mix up to create the perfect bubble party in your mouth that everyone wants to go to. Yum!”
The language of the report becomes intentionally misleading at times, interchangeably referencing Dr. Petva Singh, M.D., a cardiologist and renowned researcher at Johns Hopkins University, and “Doctor P”, a fictitious expert on good times and champion of maximum tasteology.
At a press conference, FDA Deputy Commissioner Robert Califf, M.D., dismissed any claims of corporate influence on the report.
“The notion that this study is somehow corrupt is simply nonsense, baloney,” said Califf, wearing a t-shirt that read “Dr Pepper: It’s So Amazingly Smooth, You Have to Try it to Believe it.” He continued, “The FDA understands that sometimes you have to blast the public with flavor before they can change their habits.”
At press time, the Department of Education announced its new “Inner-City Community Building Initiative brought to you by Bud Light. Bud Light: The Official Beer of High School Graduation”.