PLANO, TX – Snapple Beverages announced Tuesday evening at a press conference a new marketing campaign, ‘Conspiracy Facts’ building off the successful Snapple Facts campaign. “Now, under every bottle cap there will be a fact so shocking and sneaky that it can’t possibly be true…. or is it?” said Snapple’s Press Secretary.
Previews released to local media of some of the conspiratorial facts included informative tidbits like, “Anti-oxidants are mind control agents put in by farmers to make politicians support agricultural subisidies. Don’t eat the blueberries!,” “Aliens are anally-probing rednecks just for the fun of it,” and “John Wilkes Booth was JFK’s Dad!”
Executives at Snapple claimed that the new campaign aimed to capitalize on a wave of conspiracy theories in contemporary society, including the popular fiction that real estate mogul Donald Trump was encouraged by a time traveler to run for president in order to alter the course of history just enough to save the world.
“Look, the public has an intense desire for things that are outrageously false and totally scandalous. All we’re doing is filling a need by printing facts that may or may not be true,” said Vice President for Corporate Irresponsibility, Mackenzie Adams.
Consumers responded positively to the facts, with many saying that they were heartened by a major corporation’s endorsement of a near-constant state of paranoia.
“There are tons of people out to get me — Muslims, Slovenians, Narnians, and I really like that Snapple gives me so many more things to worry about, like just now I read, ‘It’s behind you, oh my god it’s behind you!’ and I was so scared,” said local cat lady Diana Rigsby.
Wearing a tinfoil hat and peeking out from a makeshift barricade of ramen noodles boxes, Snapple CEO Dave Riskin claimed that the facts would generate interest in Snapple products while educating the public. “People have got the right to know what’s out there, like lava people living in the planet’s core!”
When pressed about what aspect of conspiracy theories would best educate the public, Riskin replied, “What conspiracy?”