PORTLAND, OR—After sitting at his desk in uncomfortable sexual arousal for the past 40 minutes, Trinity Academy 7th grader Scott Campbell said that he had to accept that the erection he got at the beginning of class was not going anywhere anytime soon.
According to Campbell, the situation was dire but stable.
“It was first period, and I hadn’t even really gotten over my morning wood yet, when Ms. McIntyre dropped a pile of our Algebra tests and bent down to pick them up. I’ve been pushed in tight against my desk ever since,” reported Campbell.
Sources confirmed that after the first 10 minutes Campbell had mentally worked the situation down to “half-mast” by thinking about a wide array of memories, from weekends with Grandma to that one time he accidentally clicked on that pop-up ad for penis pumps, but within seconds the anxiety of the circumstances somehow backfired, bringing him back to full-sail.
“Jenny Miller got up to sharpen her pencil and brushed up behind me and I smelled her Bath & Body Works perfume,” Campbell continued. “All of a sudden I was thinking about that time me and her made out behind the gym after the fall mixer. Hot as heck. Almost ruined the second pair of boxers this week then and there.”
Campbell spent the next half hour looking at the girls in the classroom and pondering the incredible reality that they all had girl parts, including boobs.
When first period was about to end, Campbell craftily made some adjustments under his desk, all the while paranoid that one of his classmates surely noticed him tuck the persistent erection up in the waistband of his navy slacks.
“Because of the dress code and everything at Trinity, they make us tuck in our shirts, so tucking a boner up there too isn’t really all that subtle. But I guess it’s better than pitching a tent,” explained Campbell.
At press time, divine intervention prevented Mr. Hartnell from calling on Campbell to come up to the board.
