CLEVELAND – Citing his father’s poor credit record and series of late payments, Benjamin Fischer (MSB ‘17) foreclosed on his family’s home this Thursday morning, issuing a statement on the importance of maintaining a steady revenue stream. “Even though this is the home where I grew up and had my most formative experiences, my dad has got to develop some sense of financial responsibility, and GUAFSCU’s market obligations necessitated this strategic foreclosure.”

“Ultimately the harsh realities of capitalism demand that the winners be separated from the losers. Sorry, dad,” Fischer continued.

Crediting his introduction to finance class and part-time experience as a teller at GUAFSCU as expertise, Fischer related how he took it upon himself to enforce fiscal austerity in all aspects of his life, including his family.

“With my experience in the field, I immediately ascertained that the mortgage was unsustainable, especially given what they’re paying in Georgetown tuition,” said Fischer.

After filing the paper work at the bank, Fischer then proceeded to his home and summarily kicked out his father, mother, little sister, and dog Charlie, telling them to find a place to stay, “Wherever you bums hang out, maybe Aunt Lucy’s.”

Fischer’s father told the Heckler he remained very proud of his son’s accomplishments.

“Look at him, all grown up and putting me out of house and home. Pretty soon he’ll find a job at JP Morgan and foreclose on the entire state.”