In my line of work, I have seen all sorts of homes, but nothing grinds my gears as much as when I steal from someone who takes from the Earth without thinking to give back. Do you not know about the environmental catastrophe that we are creating for ourselves, or are you just blissfully apathetic to the destruction of our planet?

It’s not just leaving the lights on – it’s worse than that. You’d think people that own a big, “modern” home, with so many luxury items to take and sell on Craigslist, would at least have evolved to using more energy efficient light bulbs. But nope! You want to hear about a real crime? Just take one look at your energy bill.

Energy companies are gladly taking every dollar you spend on your bill and burning coal into the atmosphere to support your ridiculous energy habits. Speaking of which, I took the liberty of opening your mailbox and replacing your salary check with a few pamphlets you need to look at. I left the your other mail right on the kitchen island by where you keep your professional-grade knife set.

At the rate you’re wasting valuable resources, you might as well just take what’s left of that $320 stack of bills you keep in your cupboard and burn it. It’s not that much, but still. What is your problem? After I went through the kitchen, I saw your recycling—or rather lack-thereof. Your trash bins were filled up with all sorts of cardboard and recyclable plastics that you were just going to throw right on out. Somehow I am the one society puts in jail while you gleefully add to some massive landfill like it’s your own little sandcastle.

By the time I got to your bedroom, I noticed that your television was left on. Did you just wake up, watch the news, and decide that you would rather contribute to the destruction of the icecaps rather than press a simple button and turn off your massive Sony 4K Ultra HDR TV. Hopefully its next owner who I am about to meet in a parking lot will not be so lazy. Do you have some sort of personal grudge against polar bears?

And there’s another thing I want to talk about: I’m all for the Second Amendment, but do you understand how easily I located and broke into your gun safe? With just my crowbar and a little bit of leverage I broke that bad boy right open and took both of your Smith & Wesson revolvers and that Remington hunting rifle. If I can do it that easily, who’s to say that a kid couldn’t do the exact same thing?

So next time you “go off to work” and leave your house unguarded for the day, how about you take the time to turn off your goddamn lights. Not only does it make it more difficult for me to scope out good targets but it is also unbelievably irresponsible and harmful to the environment. Oh, and don’t forget to replace your back lock!