O’DONOVAN – Claiming that it “feels like home,” senior Kevin Bennett (COL ‘17) defended his decision to purchase a meal plan despite the fact that the per meal cost to eat at Leo J. O’Donovan hall exceeds $13. “It’s pretty close to the ICC and like they’ve got that whole meal exchange program now,” said Bennett, unaware that the meal exchange value would never exceed the $8 price tag of a 6 inch sub.

“This is a rather disturbing development,” remarked Behavioral Economics professor Xavier Howland, who had Bennett as a student last spring. “You would think that he, more than anyone, would know that he’s making a very wrong decision that borders on self-harm.”

“I have to go figure some shit out,” he muttered before walking away.
“I didn’t really mean to start a movement,” Bennett said in between excessively mediocre pieces of pizza, “I’m just a man who loves chocolate milk and  greyish burgers.” Bennett’s house in Burleith is only minutes away from Safeway.

At publication time, Professor Howland was seen frantically flipping through Milgrom and Levin’s seminal work “Introduction to Choice Theory”, whispering about utility maximization and the fact that a Chipotle burrito is “only 9 fucking dollars”.