As reported yesterday by The Georgetown Voice, the university’s undergraduate tuition for 2016-2017 has increased by four percent, over $1000. In response to a call for transparency regarding the direction of the new tuition money, the Heckler has investigated and uncovered five of the main drivers behind the hike.

1. Matthew Kroenig’s “Man Cave”

The IR professor insists on his privacy while gaming.

2. Todd Olson’s very long showers.

Some estimates put the vice president’s minutes-per-shower at approximately 20.0, much to the frustration of his roommates who need to get to work.

3. A SunSetter© retractable awning on Healy’s roof

The only thing between Healy Lawn and a study spot is our fair skin. Problem solved, thanks to the tuition hike.

4. The packs of $20 bills stuffed into each basketball player’s dorm mattresses

Compensating student-athletes is a hot button issue, and it will be interesting to see if the mattress program continues after its being made public.

5. RuneScape Memberships for the entire English department

No surprises here.