DARNALL – After compiling and entering his personal information late Monday evening, Gerald Hammon’s (COL ‘20) program that he created to find his one true love encountered a fatal runtime error. “The program froze on the screen and then just took an abnormal exit, I have no idea what could of caused it” said the freshman Computer Science major, blissfully unaware of the futility of love.

Hammon was puzzled why his algorithm did not work. “I can’t think of any data type that would be invalid,” he said, scanning over his entry. “Gender: Male, Height: 5’8, Best Friend: Mother, Interests: Coding, Mocking ‘N00bs’. Favorite Foods: Chicken Wings, Haggis…. Nothing out of range here.”

“I’ve run through my Comp Sci books, scoured the web forums… nothing!” said Hammon, frantically combing through thousands lines of code. “And they were so helpful when I built the program to find the optimal thickness for my toilet paper!”

Dr. Gerald Wascowski, a professor in the Computer Science Department, agreed to examine Hammon’s program for possible errors. Despite quickly finding that there is a chance that not one in the over 7 billion humans searched returned a match, Wascowski encouraged Hammon to once again recheck his code.

“Frickin’ Computers! Even they don’t love me back!” he said, collapsing into heaving sobs. “I…I …..believed in them! I am the Python wizard! The Golden God of C++…and they have failed me!”

At press time, Hammon was coding while on the toilet.