WASHINGTON, D.C. – A club wide email was circulated late on Sunday which, among other matters, asked for volunteers to lead this semester’s Knights of Columbus spring retreat whose goals are stated as “team-building, mentorship, and Jerusalem.”

The retreat’s organizer Richard “The Lionheart” Wagner assured the Heckler that the program would not get caught up in the tiresome lectures or forays into Byzantine-held territory that plague similar similar events. He went on to state that “All we are really looking for here is a fun weekend with friends where we can get to know each other and, God willing, seize back the Holy Land for Christendom.”

While such retreats have met with mixed results in the past, Wagner decided to organize a new one after discovering a wealth of opportunities for young Christians to hang out in a way that drives the Saracen hordes into the sea. Wagner also stressed the importance of individual involvement, saying “We are going to be looking to let everyone have a chance to step up, share their story, and maybe even lead a couple heavy cavalry charges.”

While the packing list is very short, the Knights of Columbus recommend that you buy bug spray and some indulgences before you come on the retreat.