CAPE CANAVERAL – In an age of rapid, unprecedented technological advances, it can be easy for landmark discoveries by our nation’s leading scientists to get lost in the noise. Earlier today however, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) made an official announcement that is sure to set the scientific community, and society as a whole, on fire. At approximately 9:06a.m., spokesperson Richard Cysinski dropped the bombshell: “Though we cannot ever be completely certain in this field, we at NASA feel our research is sufficient to conclude that there has just gotta be some shit up there.”

We will forgive our readers for taking a moment here to get off of the ground and back into their chairs. When asked to elaborate on how NASA arrived at this earth-shattering discovery, Cysinski replied, “I mean just look at all this [motioning to sky]. Like, there are clouds and shit, but like past that. There’s just all this empty space and it looks god damn huge. You’re telling me there isn’t anything up there? Listen, there’s just gotta be, ok?”

Fielding a question from a reporter about what it could be that’s up there, Cysinski had a thrilling response: “We’re talkin’ stars, planets, suns, the Lord Almighty and his High Heavens, moons, darkness, there’s really no way to tell for sure. Me and the boys thought it would be sick if there was like, a huge woolly mammoth just chilling up there. All we know for sure is, with science as our guide, anything is possible.”

At press time, NASA is reportedly preparing an article for Science Weekly entitled “Top 10 Things That Might Be In Space, Ranked By How Tight It Would Be.”