7. Westworld

HBO’s Sci-Fi series Westworld brings up the rear of my list because frankly, I barely burnt my hand on the stove even once while I was watching it. At one point I accidentally grazed my hand on the smoldering hot stove as I was reeling in shock at the latest on-screen altercation, but I hardly noticed. A situation not even worth mentioning. On to the next series.

6.The Americans

The Americans is next on the list because although I can distinctly remember lying my hand atop boiling hot irons on more than one occasion while watching the series, none of the burns required medical attention and I only yelled out in pain for a minute or so in total. In my household we call that “standard wear-and-tear.” Next.

5. Game of Thrones

This is where things began to get painful. I actually dropped the remote into the stove and had to retrieve it operation-style from the 500° stovetop, which took several minutes because it was really hot. After that, my hands were so shot that I couldn’t use the remote I had retrieved to turn up the volume, and had to watch the rest of Game of Thrones on mute, so I missed everything. 5th place. Let’s move on.

4. Stranger Things

“Stranger things have happened.” That would be my response if you told me something like “sounds like you’ve burnt your hands on the stovetop quite a lot already. There’s no way you could have burnt them even more times than you’ve already said.” Well stranger things have happened, and they did, to me specifically, when I burnt my hand on the god-damn stovetop way more times. Listen, you already know this list is 7 items long, it’s gonna get a lot worse. During Stranger Things I dropped the remote under the oven and had to pick the entire thing up by the stovetop.

3. The Crown

I liked The Crown. Good, engaging television, with stellar performances from the cast. Unfortunately for me, about halfway through my grandmother wanted to make pancakes but all the pans were dirty so she just used both of my hands. The Crown comes in at 3rd place.

2. The Handmaid’s Tale 

My personal experience with The Handmaid’s Tale was less “maid” and almost entirely “hand,” whose tale was unequivocal pain. Here’s the thing, all I was doing was making an omelette, and somehow I burnt my god-damn hand on the god-damn stove more times during The Handmaid’s Tale than on any other series except one. Really embarrassed about this one, honestly. Like 26 separate times. 2nd place.

1. This Is Us

Coming in at number one, we have This Is Us, which I never even watched because I was so angry with myself that I burnt my hands 26 times making an omelette that I burnt my hand 27 times on purpose just to reassert control over the stovetop. “This is MY life,” I yelled at my oven. It was not until I burnt my hand 53 times that I realized I just looked like an even bigger fool than I had before and my god-damn hands were burnt like hell. Congratulations to This Is Us.