COOPER FIELD–Expectations for the Men’s Lacrosse program are especially high this year after a preseason ranking of number 17. However hopes for the team were decidedly tempered late last night when the Heckler released its own ranking, identifying the Men’s Lacrosse Team as “Number 1 biggest jerks”.

While competition this year was especially fierce, the Lacrosse Hoyas pulled away in almost all aspects. Especially notable performances came in the “Calling Us Rude Names” and “Kicking Us Out of Their Party In Front of My Friend From Home” categories.  Those tools over at the Caravel had a late rally after an especially mean showing at the CAB Fair, but in the end it would not be enough to overcome the Lacrosse team’s insurmountable lead.

The Heckler Staff attempted to reach Lacrosse Captain Glenn Beam (MSB ‘19) for comment, but his responses consisted only of high-pitched, unflattering imitations of the questions asked that could not be done justice here. Independent analysis of the interview has concluded that Mr. Beam is “probably just jealous” of the sterling journalistic work done here at The Heckler.

CORRECTION: At the request of the legal representative of Mr. Beam, we have removed all previous references to Mr. Beam’s enormous, misshapen head. Mr. Beam’s head is not considered a medical marvel and has not been entered in the Guiness Book of World Records, as previously reported.