DAHLGREN CHAPEL – Saturday’s nuptials in Dahlgren Chapel, featuring John and Stephanie as the groom and bride, were a memorable day overall. However, all positive elements of the wedding were eclipsed by a truly weak, disappointing performance by Stephanie during the vows.

As the guests entered the chapel, leaves crunched underfoot and a breeze tugged at the hemlines of the bridesmaid dresses. It was a lovely scene, and the families walking side-by-side created a stunning metaphor for unity. Despite this incredible moment, the autumnal setting became derivative as soon as Stephanie was illuminated by the October sunshine. A golden glow was cast on her gown, which was frankly a cliché.

The wedding party glided down the aisle and parted elegantly at the altar to await the bride’s arrival. Stephanie entered, and with her first step Stephanie made it clear that her walk — ahem, stomp– down the aisle would not be anything to write home about. Her pace was both forgettable and inelegant, like her entire college track and field career. Up to that moment, Stephanie had had every opportunity to nail her role, but she was shaping up to be the moron failure that Coach Culley always said she would be. It would all hinge on her vows.

John delivered his vows first, and it was his most poignant performance yet; there was no dry eye in the chapel once he finished communicating his feelings for Stephanie, the human form of dry wheat toast. John truly set a new standard, but no one was surprised when Stephanie’s vows hit the ground like a steaming sack of crap. Between mixing metaphors and choking up unconvincingly, her whole speech was forced and, honestly, just flat out sucked. It was unclear if she was under-rehearsed or just a poor casting choice; John carried the entire performance on his back, since Stephanie was giving him fuck-all to work with. Let’s hope that Stephanie gets her act together by the time they throw a baby shower, because all the mimosas in the world couldn’t make Stephanie less insufferable.