Step 1: Acquire the commodities. Start the night by locating the alcohol. Pick whatever variety vaguely smells like vomit to you. That means you’ve thrown it up before and it’ll likely be your best bet. *If you’re underage, either wait for your strangely pushy Grandmother to offer you a drink or perhaps opt for snagging some Champagne. (You’ll be able to pass it off as Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider in the off-chance you get confronted.)

Step 2: Convince the nay-sayers. Likely, even if you pull the Martinelli’s-or-Champagne trick, you’re going to get found out at some point. Assure your confronter that you’re, “only having one!” and “Grandma gave it to me!” to get them off your back.

Step 3: Keep Drinking. Now that you’ve convinced the nay-sayers that you’re only having one drink, you’re committed to drinking whatever that alcohol is for the rest of the night. So buckle down and chug a couple more glasses. But don’t let anyone see you refilling. Snag abandoned cups if you need to. Later, when you yark in the bathroom that you were potty trained in, everyone will make fun of you for getting drunk off of one cup. Don’t listen to them. They don’t know what you’ve been through.

Step 4: Ruin Thanksgiving Dinner. At this point, you’ve been drinking for hours. It’s only like 6 pm and the meal is over even though it’s a “Thanksgiving Dinner” instead of a “Thanksgiving Late Lunch.” It’s time to make your move. First, start talking to everyone so that they know you’ve somehow gotten sloshed over the last four hours. Then, start slyly throwing out, “I think I’m drunk”s to distant family members. Finally, grab a loaf of bread and a bottle of water and head on over to your childhood bathroom. As you finally shoot salad, know that everyone’s buzzing about you! Seriously, no one will be able to talk about anything for the rest of the night! And, trust me, you’ll never live this one down!