GEORGETOWN– The editorial staff of the Heckler is happy to announce the beginning of the Spring 2019 application cycle. A spring application was not originally planned, but after an especially lackluster fall class, we here at the Heckler have decided to reopen the application, with a few caveats. After our experience last semester, we will no longer be welcoming those dedicated to the overthrow of the U.S. government, or those big nerds over at the Caravel.

While it may seem obvious to some that members of the Caravel should be automatically excluded from participation in more enlightened political discussion, like that which we have in this illustrious paper today, it has come to our attention that having hostile foreign agents in our ranks is, in some respects, just as bad. This organization has long been criticized for it’s excessive tolerance of traitors, undesirables, and wet blankets, but those days are over. We hereby pledge to destroy, root and branch, anti-American groups, and tepid international relations “commentary”, wherever they may be found. As guardians of truth and a bastion of objective reporting, we here at the Heckler would like it to be known that a caravel isn’t even one of the cool boats like a pirate ship or a submarine. This writer believes it to be likely that the Caravel was forced to choose such a bad boat because the administration thought any better option would disguise the true nature of an organization that I didn’t even want to write for anyway.