THE KITCHEN – Looks like Dad is at it again. According to trusted sources, including Sister, who was just downstairs, and this vent in the hall that kinda lets me hear what’s going on in the kitchen, Dad has successfully cornered the Renovation Man and now they’re talkin’ shop.

The Renovation Man arrived not long ago in a van with tools to do some renovations on our house or something. As soon as Father caught wind of this, I knew the Renovation Man was in danger. “Woah-HO! It’s a mess in here,” proclaimed my father as strolled into the kitchen with a manic look in his eye. “Dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it, eh?”

Needing no response, my father immediately launched into his own personal D-I-Y resumé. “I guess you could call me this house’s live-in-contractor. I replace the light bulbs, snake the drain – and I’m nearly done building that deck out there!” Dad explained, pointing to a pile of loose two by fours. “Say, is that a DeWalt Lithium Ion Cordless Screwdriver from Lowe’s?”

At press time, sources report that Dad is “running out to the shed real quick” to grab “something that’ll really blow him away” while Mother slams her head repeatedly into her desk.