YATES FIELD HOUSE – After a successful pre-dawn workout in which he utterly annihilated his bi’s, tri’s, and quad’s, Yates hunk Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, again, no relation) powerfully strode from the front doors of Yates to the steps, where he paused for a moment to take it all in.

As day broke around him, Garcia casually put one leg up on the railing to assert his dominance over any passersby – not that he needed to, of course. Everything the light touched was his kingdom. Men quivered before him, and so did women but for different reasons. 

“You see that?” Garcia mused to some poor schmuck who happened to be walking past. “Everything the light touches is my domain.”

“What about that dark area down there?” the schmuck foolishly ventured.

There was a dangerous pause. The schmuck feared for his life.

“That,” grumbled Garcia with a razor-sharp edge of – dare I say it? – fear to his voice, “is the Thompson Center. I must never go there. I am but a mere hunk and a half. Those guys are… hunks and three-fourths.” 

Garcia stood still for a moment, trembling as an insane gleam crept into his eyes. But the madness was but a passing thing, and he quickly shook it off. 

“Well! Time for a protein shake, and then off to my Public Health seminar!”