WASHINGTON– Ah, Fall is finally in the air! After a hot and humid September, Washingtonians rejoice as cooler weather is finally upon us. Temperatures dropped down to the high fifties last night, which certainly must have been a surprise for any scantily-clad late-night partygoers.

Today looks to be our first truly autumnal day with a high of 64, but sure, go ahead and wear a tee-shirt, you hubristic bastard. As you walk around, you’ll be sure to feel the crisp Autumn air flow up your tee-shirt sleeves, circumventing around your rock-hard nips. Remember to tuck in your shirt to avoid a nipple-scathing cross breeze!

Sip on your pumpkin-spiced latte and contemplate how your nips can simultaneously be so hard yet so tender. There’s no need to be paranoid: yes, everyone can see and is indeed staring at your accentuated nipple contours. Dry-fit? Really? What did you expect?

On the bright side, tomorrow looks to be hot and sunny, so be sure to wake up early while it’s still cool and put on a sweatshirt for the day.