HARBIN — Confused apprehension filled the halls of Harbin this weekend as freshman roommate pair Jack Archer (COL ‘23) and David Stenchman (SFS ‘23) reportedly got into a passive, yet heated discussion about the positioning of their beds. An anonymous source reports to The Heckler that, ignoring suggestions to simply bunk the beds, David really was pushing the whole side by side thing. 

Sabrina Barfeeque (COL ‘23), who happened to be in the common room at the time, described the conversation she overheard as “uncomfortable,” asking, “I don’t get why they didn’t just bunk the beds, it seems like a pretty simple solution, right?” 

Jack was happy to comment on the situation, saying, “Yeah, I don’t really know why he’s so obsessed with this, he’s asked a few times already, and it’s barely halfway through the semester. I mean, his CHARMS profile seemed pretty normal.” 

David, who originally declined comment, wrote a letter to The Heckler, writing, “Bunking beds adds a layer of verticality to the room that is unacceptable; it simply ruins the feng shui. Additionally, side by side beds are more heat efficient for the winter months, the decision should be obvious.”