YATES FIELD HOUSE – Hey, man. How’s it going? School’s going well? Yeah? That’s great! I’m so glad to hear you’ve been doing well.
Hey, remember that time you and five to seven of your closest friends decided to both have fun and stay in shape by forming an intramural basketball team? Yeah? Wouldn’t it be great if you did that again? Think of all the memories you could re-create (haha recreate, get it?) and all the old friends you could reconnect with!
What’s that? You have a job and a club leadership position this year and you don’t think you have the time to have fun and stay in shape? Oh, ok! That’s totally fine. I get it. Congrats on the position, by the way!
It’s just, you know, the thing is, we reeeeeeaaaalllly need some more teams for this intramural basketball league, and I was kinda counting on you to make one with five to seven of your closest friends so that the other teams in the league will be able to have fun, make memories, and stay in shape just like you did last year. I really think it’d be great if you signed up.
You can’t? Oh, ok. Hm. You know what, that’s fine. I just think it’s funny how I gave you such a good time last year, how I helped you make so many memories and stay in such good shape with five to seven of your closest friends, and this is the reward that I get. In MY hour of need, you’re nowhere to be seen. Typical, I guess. I should’ve known you weren’t reliable when you missed the game last year against the Harbin 5 Ballers because you “had an exam the next day.” But it’s really ok, it’s not like I’m gonna force you to play intramural basketball.
You’re really free to make any choice you want – play IM basketball, don’t play IM basketball, whatever. I just think you should know that if you don’t form a team with five to seven of your closest friends in the next hour, a side effect of that decision will be that a bullet is going to go through the head of one of the five people I’ve just locked inside Yates. But you’re really free to do whatever you want, just know that people are going to die because of your choices.
Maybe I haven’t been clear, pal. What I meant to get across to you is that, for every hour that you don’t sign up to play intramural basketball, I will take one human life. One precious, infinitely valuable human life. Like this one. This guy I trapped in Yates at 11 PM says his name is Jerry Garcia, and that he’s not related to that Jerry Garcia. He also says that the thing he loves the most in the world is his protein shakes. OK, maybe I’ll get another hostage to kill first, this guy doesn’t seem like he’s got a lot to lose.
The point, my friend, is that someone will die every hour that you don’t sign up. I’m not forcing you to do anything, but I just want you to be aware of the fact that your actions have consequences, consequences like me brutally executing one of the hunks and aspiring hunks I found here in Yates.
Oh, you’ve called the police? Well, good luck catching me, because there’s an interdimensional portal in the locker room which you’ve never seen because your wuss ass has never broken enough of a sweat at Yates to need a shower. I’m already in fucking Ulaanbaatar. You don’t even know what country that’s in, do you? So now not only will you not be able to stay in shape and make memories with five to seven of your closest friends, you’re also a geographic ignoramus. You should’ve signed up for intramural basketball when you had the chance. Have fun slowly wasting away behind a desk, nerd.
