A recent study from Georgetown Residential Living revealed the disappointing statistic that only 20% of roommates who meet on CHARMS go on to room together for the rest of college, fall madly in love, and have gorgeous destination weddings.
“This is obviously not what we were going for when we established CHARMS.” said Bill Huff, Director of Residential Services. “CHARMS is meant to connect Georgetown freshmen with optimal similarities in interests and habits. It seems that it would be only natural for many more to end up married in a stunning ceremony on the beach in Bali.”
“I guess it’s nice to know that I’m in the majority.” said perenially single SFS grad, Courtney Fischer. “My freshman roommate and I met on CHARMS, and we felt so much pressure to have identical habits, become best friends, naturally progress into romance, propose at graduation and wed at an elegant Jamaican resort. That just isn’t realistic.” Fischer said that she and her former roommate, Margaret Shin, felt it was right to split at the end of freshman year. Shin declined to comment on the report but felt the need to mention Courtney’s “heartless, bitchy” nature.
When surveyed, only 40% of current freshmen who met their roommates on CHARMS saw a future. “I mean, it’s nice for now, but he wants to go to grad school in New York and I can’t see myself living anywhere besides Bethesda.” Stephen James explained when asked why he doubted he and roommate Wesley Thornton would probably not get hitched in a luscious Napa vineyard. “I just can’t see it working out in the long run.” On the other hand, Jensen Schultz, Ayush Ranganathran and Nicholas Williams, residents of Harbin 5’s triple, are already in a throuple and starting a Pinterest board for their sentimental wedding in Vail.
The much-envied 20% were gracious when speaking about their good fortune. “I saw that we had 85% similarity, and it felt like fate.” commented MSB grad and CHARMS success story Elena Gutierrez. “Immediately, we started talking and sharing intimate details of our lives through CHARMS’s shitty chat bot. When I got a cold and she bought me chrysanthemums, my favorite flower, I just knew.” This year, Gutierrez proposed to freshman roommate Laura Gould. In 2021, they will walk down the aisle on the Amalfi Coast, surrounded by chrysanthemums. Everyone expects Margaret Shin to get shitfaced at the reception and throw her glass of champagne into Courtney Fischer’s face through heaving, guttural sobs, screaming “THIS COULD HAVE BEEN US YOU FRIGID TWO-FACED BITCH!”