- Stay home. If you want a surefire way to steer clear of Philly, try not leaving your house. Stock up on spam, canned fruits, and oats. Engineer some daily routines. Fend off the monotony with the comfort of knowing that you are not in Philadelphia.*
- When you’re driving in a car, make sure that you do not drive to Philadelphia. Road signs should help with this. If one says “Philadelphia” and then a given number of miles, stop on a dime and turn the damn car around. Use the shoulder of necessary. In fact if one even says “Pennsylvania” or “New Jersey” or “Wawa,” consider taking the same precaution. Don’t push it, now.
- If you can’t manage that, consider taking more severe precautions. Stay west of the Mississippi River. And avoid it like the plague. Don’t even think about dipping a toe in. The American West has plenty of perks, including Titus Canyon, Lava River Cave, and Oregon Caves National Monument and Preserve just to name a few. But the biggest perk of being out West? No Philadelphia.
- If the pull of the city of brotherly love proves too great, leave the country. Flee. You clearly are not fit to be here. Note that there is a town called Philadelphia in the Western Cape of South Africa and one called Filadelfía in the Italian state of Calabria, but these are not at all related to the Philadelphia you are trying to avoid. In fact, I hear these places are quite nice and you should consider visiting them while permanently abroad.
- Train to become an astronaut and then after a decade or so of intensive daily training, jump at the very first opportunity to blast up into space and go to the international space station or something like that. For your schooling you won’t be going to Philadelphia because they don’t have an astronaut school (duh) and then you’re going to be hanging out in NASA which is either in Florida or Houston probably and by the time you can zoom up into space, you might even have a stable home in one of those two places so visiting Philadelphia won’t be on your mind or even a feasible possibility for you so you’re good there. When you’re in space don’t come back down.
*Unless that home is in Philadelphia, in which case you should get out of there goddammit!
