Straight from the desk of the newly-elected GUSA executives: Our administration is looking for someone to give the all-clear on our loads of incoming fan mail!  We all know that COVID-19 doesn’t affect people. Our pre-med freshmen have told us that anthrax similarly has no effect. There’s no hypothetical question about hypothetical safety. It’s just […]

Gfhliwe iejfpiehfi ieimic shsorry, I’m currently typing this with my toes under the table while DeGioia paces around the stage and lectures about how I “went too far” and that his “children read The Heckler™ .” Lljsfeh ifoiew hwehelpmeplease. OK, DeGioia’s looking away. The entire school is staring at me though, while I have what […]

America’s most notorious have a taste for undergraduate blood.  Studies show that the odds of surviving a kidnapping decrease by 90% once a victim is taken to a second location, and these odds get even worse when a TA is waiting there. Everyone’s heard the words, “come to office hours.” They’re an omen, a careful […]

NAVY YARD – Georgetown has granted the Class of 2021 the opportunity to celebrate graduation together. The only catch: the powers that be have mandated that graduation take place in Nationals Park, which is, tragically, a baseball thing. Now, there are some notable pros for Nats Park as a graduation venue. There’s the prospect of […]

It’s that time of year again! Sportscenter’s “Top 10” is about to include more slacks and walking than usual. Your acquaintances who’ve kept a good relationship with their father may start lecturing you on the merits of cracks of bats and fresh-cut grass. And our elderly and white ‘n’ scrawny communities, specifically those located in […]

I was told it would be a “little pinch.” It was NOT a “little pinch.” My arm is basically numb and my shoulder is way too tender to do my nightly stretches. Just a second ago I tried to raise my hand in class but I couldn’t even do that! It was in zoom class […]

WASHINGTON – It just came in the mail, delivered by MY boys in blue, the good men and women of the United States Postal Service. My fingers fumbled with the packing tape, but after several broken nails, a severe cardboard cut, and a routine bloody nose, there it was. My very own Biden-Harris 2020 mask. […]

Dear Georgetown Students, Recently you should have received a letter from President DeGioia on the University’s decision to notify the Georgetown community of the Spring 2021 semester plans to continue with virtual classes, no later than November 16, 2020. We understand the impact our Spring plans will have on other aspects of your academic planning, […]

1. Go to Old Mrs. McCreary’s House This is a good option because all the neighborhood kids know to avoid mean old Mrs. McCreary’s house. It’s the big old ramshackled thing on the hill with ivy advancing up its yellow sides, always dark save a candle in the front room. Jackson Hughes swears he heard […]

A few years ago I couldn’t have picked one out of a crowd, But now? They’re everywhere! They’ve infiltrated every part of civilized life and it seems like we’re helpless to stop them. What happened to our once great civilization? How have we succumbed to this utterly confusing bunch of low-lifes? I thought us much, […]