GENEVA – In its most recent published report, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) confirmed that the globe is indeed heating up, but for some rather sultry reasons. Quite surprisingly, Mother Earth is “somewhat turned on” at the prospect of being completely ravaged by the human race. After years of abuse, the climate believes it has been very bad and deserves punishment. According to the report, increases in global temperatures can be attributed not to greenhouse gas emissions, but rather a heightened attraction to being taken advantage of. In layman’s terms, the Earth wants to be taken upstairs, stripped of its resources, and repeatedly drilled for oil.

Hoping to reverse this balmy trend, authors of the report advise people across the world to “cool it with all the ‘end of days’ talk. The climate is really into that.”  Leading environmental scientist Bernie Sanchez suggests that news outlets refrain from covering the climate, and instead run feel-good pieces about quirky local businesses or puppies wearing clothes.

“Fortunately for us,” Sanchez notes, “this is a problem that can be completely solved through ignorance.”