Note from the Editor in Chief: This story was anonymously slipped under the door of the Heckler office. It has been edited for some adult themes in order to comply with our third party offshore appropriateness advisory board, but the original sentiment and character of the story remain.

Goddamn feta cheese and balsamic dressing! Us, the students of the early afternoon econ section do not even need to look to know what’s in your smelly hexagon.

No class ‘till the afternoon? Sunny day? Seems like the perfect opportunity to go get a spin at SoulCycle and order a salad to-go right from your fucking iPhone! Your happy and healthy morning has ruined my entire day!

The professor usually spends the entire period behind the lectern, but today he paced constantly in an attempt to manufacture a breeze for a bit of fresh air. When he taught negative externalities, he looked directly at you trying to instill some sense of communal responsibility but you were too absorbed in your avocado half to notice. It was a selfish act of wellness that under no circumstance will be tolerated in the future.