Unaware of his sheer folly and hubris, first-year student Jacob Harrison (COL ‘23) recently excitedly told his friends that he had discovered an entirely new section of the famed tunnels underneath Georgetown’s campus. 

“We were pretty excited at first,” said fellow freshman Maria Jeffress (NHS ‘23), “so of course we asked Jake to show us where it was. He took us to Walsh – which was kinda weird because I’m pretty sure that was built in like the 50s. Then he took us to the basement and opened a door that he said was the door to the tunnel, and it was straight-up just a boiler room.” 

“Just think of all the stories these walls hold,” Harrison ruminated as he gestured around him to the bare concrete walls, water boiler, and pipes. “For hundreds of years, the Jesuits have used this tunnel for who knows what – secret plots? Government conspiracies? Ancient religious rituals? Who knows! And just think – all of this was hidden just behind a door that was marked “Maintenance” to throw everyone off the scent. But that didn’t fool me.”

“He got pretty upset when we told him that we thought it wasn’t really a tunnel, so we just kind of let him believe it,” continued Jeffress, “but now it’s kind of getting out of hand, because Jake is finding a new tunnel like, every other day at this point.”
“They’re all over the place,” ranted a slightly crazed Harrison to a frightened reporter for the Heckler. “I’ve discovered at least one tunnel in every building on campus. Now if only I can figure out how they all connect, I’ll be able to find passage to the mythical secret lair of John Carroll, and then maybe Maria will finally see me as the swashbuckling, adventurous man she needs and make out with me!”