Here at The Georgetown Heckler, we are dedicated to making the transition to Zoom classes as easy as possible. To aid in this shift, we have done some testing and determined the best ways to covertly use the restroom while in a Zoom call. Below, we have laid out a guide for “instructional conti-poo-ity.” Use it wisely.

Method One: The Ghost

This is the most straightforward way to poop on Zoom. To execute this one, simply mute yourself, turn off your camera, take your laptop to the bathroom, and start pooping! If you get called on, make sure to clench and hold until you’re done talking. A loud “plunk” during your response could potentially incriminate you!

Method Two: The Scapegoat

Find your least favorite student in the Zoom call, and accuse them of pooping. Poop quickly, while everyone is focusing on your chosen victim. Note: Do not try to accuse your professor of pooping. The distraction will not last long enough, as no one is willing to pay attention to the professor for very long.

Method Three: The Moon Landing

This method requires a little more tech savviness. Click the arrow to the right of the video button, and select “Choose a virtual background…” From there, you can use any fake background you want to obscure the fact that you’re on the crapper! Our personal favorites are grass, hot air balloon, and Bill Clinton’s presidential inauguration. Your classmates may chuckle at your background, but they will never know what you’re really doing.

Method Four: Own It.

Everybody poops. Don’t be ashamed! Just loudly announce that you will be going to the bathroom, and then take your laptop with you. Your classmates will respect your honesty, and your professor will respect your commitment to staying in class.