Sad news hit the Beyblade community— nay, the world— this week, as the CDC’s most recent study determined that viral particles can, in fact, be passed from one Beyblade top to another.

As we all know, Beyblade was originally marketed as an alternative to back-alley chicken fighting and has kept violent teens out of trouble since 2002. Now, though, civilized and uncivilized societies alike are crumbling as youths around the world are forced to find alternative outlets for their pent-up aggression.

Unable to “let it rip” for their much-needed daily catharsis, teens everywhere have gone wild, with sudden spikes in drug usage, gang warfare, and weaponized sarcasm measured around the world.  Dire consequences— addiction, deaths, and a passing insult from a kid who said that he was happy I “could be so confident going out in public with such a big nose”— have undoubtedly come with the loss of this sport*.

Some teens, though, have tried to find more innocent paths to emotional release. According to Johnny T (SFS ‘29), some of his middle school classmates have tried to stay out of trouble by picking up a new sport* like Yu-Gi-Oh, Magic: The Gathering, or writing for the Georgetown Caravel. “But let’s face it,” admitted young Johnny, “those are for kids.” 

As teens like Johnny continue to search for a productive hobby, we must face the grim reality that they may never find an apt substitute for Beyblade. If this is indeed the end of the world, you heard it here first.